Marriage First

August 26, 2013

Marriage First

Today was my first full day back to reality after a 2 week vacation at my favorite place on earth. It's always sad to leave the old cottage on Seneca Lake in upstate New York, but by the 10th hour in the car with a dog and two fussy little ones (and 4 more hours to go!), you begin to yearn for home. And when you get home, you actually believe the saying "there's no place like home." Even if you spent the last 4 months cursing it's size, space, appearance, dirtiness, etc, etc.

Compared to the rustic log cabin where my family spends several weeks in August every Summer, our home feels new, clean, white, crisp. Even spacious. Those are words I'd never use to describe our little old ranch home a few weeks ago. That's not to say I don't love the tiny cabin that my family (husband, baby, 3 year old, and dog) crams in every night together at The Lake. We take a flashlight over so that the kids aren't interrupted by light. It sometimes comes in handy when you have to go pee in the woods around 2 am. We snuggle up to heavy, old, wool blankets in our tiny beds, and try to get warm in the 48 degree air. We listen to the crickets, the owls, and other little forest friends nestle in the leaves, just a few feet away from us (or the sound machine drowns it all out...hey, all the baby books told me to do it).

And as much as I love bathing in lake water (literally, because we can't use up all the hot water by showering every other day), living among the bugs and the occasional flying squirrel who likes to visit us (inside the cottage), and drinking only bottled water (water from the faucet is off limits), it does always feel nice to come home.

That feeling lasts for at least a few minutes.

This morning I had to step over the untouched suitcases and scattered bags to make my way down to the bakement to fulfill some orders. While I was working, Brian started noticing a funny smell from the playroom. After some serious sniffing, we both determined there's got to be a dead animal somewhere above our ceiling. How and where did it enter? One look outside and a quick reminder that the part of our house starting to rot underneath our gutters is the perfect little entranceway for a friendly (dying) critter. We looked into fixing it about a year ago and decided it just wasn't in the budget. Ha! And I used to think we were living on a budget. We were rich people back then!

Really, we wanted to come home!??

Our vacation really couldn't have come at a better time. The past few months have been incredibly stressful on our marriage. As our funds are getting tighter, our expenses keep rising, our children become more demanding and our marriage takes the brunt of it all. I had a few major meltdowns within a few days...the kind when you think you're gonna lose it. Screaming, crying, pulling hair out type losing it. I think I'm a pretty level headed person, but I had a few moments (actually seated right where I am at this moment, in my desk chair in the Bakement, late at night) when I came so close to bolting. I wanted to drive off and just escape this life for a few days.

Nothing in particular happened. And I must admit, we do have a great life. I think my blog proves that. I was feeling lonely, scared, overwhelmed, and unappreciated. I had a weight on my shoulders that seemed to keep getting heavier and heavier and heavier (be a good mom, get more wedding cake orders, improve my website, spend more time with kids, clean the house, run the errands, figure out a way to make more money, cut out expenses, exercise, keep up with friends, figure out childcare, give Brian time without kids, don't stay up too late, work to make money, work, work, make space in our home, fix this, fix that, need new this, can't afford new that, grow my business, don't spend money on things we don't need....oh yeah, love and support my husband through this difficult time).

Finally the pot boiled over.

I have always been very proud of our happy, healthy marriage. I have never had any doubts about our love for each other and not a glimmer of worry about the longevity of our marriage. In fact, I had no concerns about our marriage at all, which in turn made me a pretty selfish wife.

After some tears, some raised voices, talking, and hugging, my husband and I both agreed that we are in the same shoes, just different brands. We both have a ton of pressure. It's different kinds of pressure. I can't imagine what it's like to be searching for not just a job, but a career. One that sticks. To be almost middle-aged, at home raising 2 young kids, while trying to focus on the right career path in order to make all of our lives "better." (God this really sounds depressing...we are actually really happy people, I promise.)

And I had a revelation. What I once thought was backwards, was actually the right way. I have been putting my kids, and sometimes even my work, before my marriage. I used to think your kids should always come first, right? That's the common denominator between two spouses, and they are what bring us the most happiness, afterall. Well, I was wrong.

When I did have free time, I wanted it to be with the kids. Date night? It's hard to rationalize spending money on eating out, much less paying for a sitter! Who really needs date night when you spend all day together in the same tiny house? Yeah, I might go down to work in the Bakement the minute after we put the kids down, and stay there several hours after Brian goes to bed. But that's ok since we all spent time together, ALL DAY LONG, right?

Wrong. Marriage must come first. I began to realize how important it is that we spend time together, alone. That we must carve out time for each other. We need to communicate more. Not about where the heck Isabelle's ice water is (she has a strange addiction), whether or not Collier had a poop today or how to properly store pictures on the computer. I felt like we were too busy comparing the number of hours of sleep we're lacking or the amount of time we don't have to ourselves. Who's more stressed? Who's more tired? Who's more worried?

It doesn't matter!!! We're in this together.

We just need to let it out, to listen to each other, and be there for each other. Nobody can understand the stresses that we both have more than we each can. And we can love on each other, laugh together, and even talk about something other than our kids for a minute or two. We really can laugh a lot together. We might have to go to Chick-Fil-A for dates, or just go on walks in the park. But that's ok.

I love this man I call my husband. And I'm ready to show him.

In Glenora, we both exercised our new goal of a weekly date night with a spontaneous kayak journey across the lake to meet my family members at a bar. My brother, his wife, and my cousins all took the "long" route by car, around the lake. I thought it would be much more fun (and maybe even faster - ha!) to kayak across and walk up the hill. My sidekick somehow agreed to join me.

What was probably a crazy and stupid idea turned into a really great evening together.

It took us about an hour to cross the lake...and then we had to figure out where the hell we were going. Thank goodness for GPS on the iPhone...somehow we got really lucky and parked our kayaks on just the right shore, next to an empty cottage. Eventually we found the dirt road that led us up the steep hill to Two Goats Brewing, where my family awaited us. (see that tiny building at the top?)

A cold beer never tasted so good.

My brother, Matt, his wife, Laurie, Brian, me, McCall (Will's fiancé), my cousins Will, and Hilary

We had a few minutes at the bar before we decided we'd better head back home before dark.

I am so thankful to be this man's wife. I love this team we make together.

Our vacation was heavenly. Thanks to awesome grandparents for watching the kids during our date night(s). And for the awesome food, wine, and the list goes on and on.

Cici got lots of bonding time with Collier!